Lizard Birthing Story

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone
through the pet syndrome
including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the
story below will have
you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my
son came up to tell me
there was "something wrong" with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in
a cage in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm
serious, Dad.Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little
lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking
stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's
having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and
Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I
thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I
accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?" she inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
reminded her, (in my most moving, calm, sweet voice,
while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,
you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm,
you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what
was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of
it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,
I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife
wanted to know. (I really do think she was being
snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.


"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly
tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with
the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to
know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my
house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove
to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean
what she does to me is one thing, but his boy is of
her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying
glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I
gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is
not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to
happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young
male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
like most male species, they um....um....masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed,
glancing at my wife.

"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we
understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit the
upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's
just...that... I'm picturing you pulling on its...
its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to
bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into
the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done,
Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea", my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's
wacker...........Priceless