Wanted: one friend ‘with benefits’
Develop your own set of boundaries beforehand

MARJA AIRIO/ REX FEATURES

Plenty of singles out there might like to establish a sex-only relationship — but how do you go about it?

At times, being single is all any of us want. We’re happy to have time for our friends, we like being able to do whatever we want, and we enjoy having our beds to ourselves. Yet part of us remains unsatisfied: our hormones.

They’re the ones we should hold accountable (especially during periods of sexual drought) for finding everyone from the paperboy to the bus driver sexually attractive.

Sex educator Tara McKee believes we can often be our own best partners because we’re likely to know what we want. But there are times when we don’t feel like a solo performance, and although we aren’t quite willing to give up our single status, we will concede to giving up a spot in our beds on a somewhat regular basis.

There are essentially two avenues to explore. We can turn to a friend or we can find someone with whom we aren’t as well acquainted — yet. With either route, McKee recommends knowing what we’re looking for, and how to communicate that. “You have to develop your own set of boundaries beforehand,” she says.

Both avenues require a certain amount of sexual maturity, but McKee thinks that for the sake of the friendship, it’s best to avoid the friend situation unless there’s a specific friend in mind we’re already interested in. If there is, McKee suggests just being honest. “Tell them ‘I’m sexually attracted to you,’ ” she says. Or if you want to be more coy: “I read an article about friends with benefits, what do you think about that?” The important thing is to open that line of communication.

But McKee cautions that if emotions start to get involved, as they often can with friends, they need to be discussed and decisions made about them.

The less messy route, then, is to establish a sexual relationship with someone we’re not so emotionally connected with. But how? After all, walking up to a stranger and asking if they’d like to have sex might be a tad too forward. McKee recommends dating websites like Lavalife with sections devoted to casual encounters. This way both parties know they’re there just for sex and not a relationship.

For those who already have someone in mind, McKee advises taking them out for coffee to broach the subject.

“This way it’s kind of like a date, but still informal enough to lead to just a sexual relationship.”

Again, McKee recommends just being honest. “Tell them ‘I’m not interested in a relationship, I just want someone to have fun with,’” suggests McKee. “But remember you’re approaching them with something very new and they might not feel comfortable with sex being so lighthearted. You’re not wrong for wanting it. It just means you haven’t found the right partner yet.”