has this joke ran before?

LAB_ · Guru

RE: has this joke ran before?

LaDyBuG · Comandante

@ LAB

THE FIRST JOKE WAS EEEEWWWW....BUT FUNNY.....LOL

LAB_ · Guru

FR35H wrote:

I´m sorry, but whoever made you spam police?

I´m quoting a piece and commending its source.

Spam, as I´d understand it, refers to senselessly disseminated material.

And I´d appreciate that you limit your judgement to the stuff you post yourself.

FR35H · Senior Member

LAB_ · Guru

Also from The Dirt Files, a site I'd encourage you all to check out on a regular basis, as it runs 4 times a week. Great political commentary, good jokes, interesting takes on recent news.

TOPIC: THE UNIVERSAL TRUTHS OF PARTYING

care of: ACD

# Broken glassware never includes the stuff from Crate & Barrel -- it must always be etched heirlooms from the 19th century or high-ball glasses with your college insignia that your great uncle gave you for graduation or trophies you won in competition -- i.e., something that can never be replaced.

# At every party with a band there will be 15 or 20 people who sing or play well; nearly each and every one will try to prove this to the crowd; nearly each and every one should be discouraged from same.

# If men have had precious little interaction with pretty girls since high school, they will demonstrate it to every pretty woman they can find.

# People approaching or at middle age who have not done recreational drugs since 1985 really aren't quite prepared for hydroponic marijuana and uncut cocaine -- there are few things cuter than people with a bit of paunch and a touch of grey emerging from bedrooms shaking their heads and clearing their watery eyes and saying "whoaaaa, whoooaaaa, sheeeyit, holy sheeeyit..."

# When large men fall, the person they fall into must be under 5'3" and 105 lbs.

# At least one of the surfaces the 20-odd people in search of peruvian inspiration use will include a picture of one's late mother or father -- just for, you know, that little stab of guilt.

# When men grope at women inappropriately, they may be 100 percent certain that none of the women they grope are single, and that the victims of the most egregious groping are the dates of the bandmembers or the host or the biggest toughest guys in the room.

# Similarly, when women engage in vicious gossip, it will always be within earshot of people who are staying the night with the host and will repeat every word of it the next day -- or people close enough to the host to call in with post-mortems and repeat every word of it.

# If you leave drugs behind at such a party, there will be somewhere between a lot less and none remaining when you come by a few days later for them.

# The guys who were likely to steal drugs or bills from the band's tip-jar at age 20 are the exact same guys who will do so at age 45... rodents never evolve into faithful setters within a single lifetime.

# The later it gets, so long as there are any pretty girls still around, the more impressive become the achievements of the men in the room -- we had Olympic medalists, race-car drivers, professional boxers, mafia hitmen, and members of the J.Geils Band here by 2:15am.

# The last man to leave will be the one whose wife left in a huff the earliest.

# The person who was the most unlikely participant in any illegal activity will be the one to remember an upcoming change of employment and its associated drug-testing the next day.

# The older you get, the more likely people will tell you that a pretty good party was a great party.

- ACD

-- Edited by LAB_ at 18:08, 2006-04-10

LAB_ · Guru

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to blast them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."