A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself. After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her. After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.
The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.
When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"
OSAMA Bin LADEN's TOP 13 CONDITIONS FOR A TRUCE WITH THE USA!
13. The Great Satan America must immediately pull all its troops from Iraq and Afghanistan, and shut down all its military bases in Muslim nations. Arab instruction manuals for all abandoned armaments must also be provided.
12. NBC must reverse its decision to cancel The West Wing. Taking that show off the air at this point would be an affront to the memory of John Spencer, peace be upon him.
11. The White House must make a full disclosure of its dealings with gangster lobbyist Jack Abramoff. Can you believe that guy?! Also, the Democrats must fillibuster Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito Jr. There's something about that guy I just don't trust.
10. Former Enron chief Ken Lay must be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
9. Oprah must pick Rogue State: A Guide to the World's Only Superpower, by William Bloom, as her next "Book Club" selection. Failing that, she can choose any one of Stephen King's novels, up to but not including Tommyknockers. That guy writes some creepy-ass books!
8. Air America's Al Franken must immediately replace Rush Limbaugh on all Armed Forces Radio stations. That Stuart Smally really cracks me up.
7. Your President Bush must immediately stop eavesdropping on the American people and endorse the evolutionary theories of Charles Darwin, of which he is, himself, living proof.
6. This year's Academy Award for Best Picture must go to Brokeback Mountain. Switch the horses for camels and the cows for goats, and you've got a pretty good representation of an average Saturday night on the outskirts of Kabul.
5. This year's Academy Award for Best Actor must go to George Clooney, for his excellent portrayal of a fat, bumbling CIA officer in the most delightful feel-good comedy of the year, Syriana. Funny, funny stuff, George!
4. The word "God" on America's currency and its Pledge of Allegiance must be replaced with the words "Michael Moore". In Michael Moore We Trust has a nice ring to it, don't you think?
3. The states of Texas, New Mexico and California are to be immediately returned to the Mexican people, from whom they were so recently and unjustly stolen.
2. Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz must immediately surrender to the United Nations for prosecution as international war criminals.
1. A menu of hummus, falafels and "halal" kebabs must be provided at the truce-signing ceremony. If the food is of insufficient tastiness, the blood of your countrymen will rain down upon your infidel heads and the righteous Sword of Allah will split your Statue of Liberty from taint to tiara in one fell swoop!
So, anyway, no pressure. Take your time going over the terms and conditions. Feel free to make a counter-proposal if you like. We Middle-Easterners may be fanatics, but we're not above a little haggling. In the meantime, keep in mind that our plans to strike at the heart of your Homeland are already at an advanced stage, and are ready to be launched at my say-so. Don't take that as a threat, however. It's just a friendly heads up to get this ball rolling.
Jihad Allah Akhbar! Osama Bin Laden CEO, al-Qaeda Inc.
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his beautiful young wife in bed with an older man.
The husband ran towards the bed and put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Yankee Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
