I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the

past years. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of

recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I no longer have lemon slices in my ice water at a restaurant without

worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the

last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine

what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because

the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose

(although cell phone usage may be overtaking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only

imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the

floor of a public bathroom.

Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on

envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope

that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same

reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny

Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive

the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for

participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking

out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible

mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a

water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to all of you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered

if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within

five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can

remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the

car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these

products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the

microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me

for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be

pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a

perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are

actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our

American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a

number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,

Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have

their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big

brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant

death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in

the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester

waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas

companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the

brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next

70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00

p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your

back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my

next door neighbor's

ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Oh, by the way.. A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy

study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity

read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.