Fwd: Afternoon funny!

latina4evrgp · Guru

RE: Fwd: Afternoon funny!

Pajaro_Loco · Guru

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them
to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day
while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged, since you were
able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness."

"The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Pajaro_Loco · Guru

During a visit to a mental institution the visitor asked the Director
how
do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty
the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want
a bed near the window?"

Pajaro_Loco · Guru

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.
He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

latina4evrgp · Guru

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

latina4evrgp · Guru

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

latina4evrgp · Guru

An old man approached the White House from Across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U.S.. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

latina4evrgp · Guru

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and
walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well ,daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and
we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things
aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more martinis. They were
eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends,
who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending
end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast,
gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just
told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that ' ??

'Because I don't want any of those ****es sleeping with your father after
I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs in Order '.

LGigolo · Comandante

What is the closest thing to a woman's period?

Your SALARY... It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if it doesn't come, you are F*CKED

Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven first?

A Kid replied : The legs...because everynight I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING".

Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school?

Pupil : Because I heard my sister's boyfriend say, "TONIGHT I WILL EAT YOUR PUSSY"

What's the difference between a panty and a stage curtain?

Answer : When you pull down the stage curtain, show is over, but when you pull down thePANTY... IT'S SHOWTIME

MUM: Didn't I tell you if a stranger touches your breast say "DON'T". And if he touches your pussy say STOP!

GIRL : But mum, he touched both, so I told him DON'T STOP!!!!

GIRLS REACTION TO PENIS SIZES

9 INCHES -      Oh ****, pain!!
7 INCHES -      Oh, I'm in heaven
6 INCHES -      OH PERFECT
5 INCHES -      UMMMM OK
4 INCHES -      PUSH MORE
3 INCHES -      IS THAT IN???

LGigolo · Comandante

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No ****?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'"

"Keep going!"

"I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, You now have three wishes.' I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, What will be your second wish?'"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?'

I looked at her and replied, How 'bout a little head?

latina4evrgp · Guru

> The love story of Ralph and Edna...
>
> Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
> mean they don't love you with all they have.
>
> Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
> they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped
> into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
>
> Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
> him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act
> she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
> now considered her to be mentally stable.
>
> When she went to tell Edna with the news, she said, 'Edna, I have good
> news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you
> were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the
> life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays
> sound mindedness.
>
> The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
> belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
>
> Happy Mental Health Day!

latina4evrgp · Guru

Saving the Airlines

Seems logical to me!

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES ?
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell, they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

latina4evrgp · Guru

PRUEBA DE UN ENFERMO MENTAL
La prueba de la Bañera

Durante una visita a un Instituto Psiquiátrico, uno de los visitantes
le preguntó al Director, qué criterio se usaba para definir si un
paciente debería o no ser Internado.

'Bueno', dijo el Director, 'hacemos la prueba siguiente: llenamos
completamente una bañera, luego al paciente le ofrecemos una
cucharita, una taza y un balde y le pedimos que vacíe la bañera. En
función de cómo vacíe la bañera, sabemos si hay que internarlo o no'.

-Ah, entiendo- dijo la visita. - Una persona normal usaría el balde
porque es más grande que la cucharita y la taza.
-No -dijo el Director-, una persona normal sacaría el tapón. Usted
¿qué prefiere: una habitación con o sin ventana?

Dedicado.. a todos.. los que pensaron en el balde...
... Y TRANQUILOS... ALGO DE LOCOS TENEMOS TODOS...

latina4evrgp · Guru

TENER UN NOVIO O ESPOSO ASI NO TIENE PRECIO!!!
El hombre despertó aquella mañana con una tremenda cruda. La noche anterior se había pegado una parranda fuera de casa... Bebió como un loco, ni siquiera se acordaba como había regresado a su casa.

Preso de un dolor de cabeza lacerante, dolidos todos los músculos del cuerpo, la garganta más reseca que lengua de loro; la boca un sabor a cobre y vinagre.

Tenía miedo aún de abrir los ojos pues lo esperaba, de seguro, la encabronada de su vieja.

Abrió los ojos como pudo, y lo que vió lo dejó loco. Sobre la mesa de noche estaba una pequeña hielera, llena de cubitos de hielo, con un par de cervezas bien frías. Al lado, había un par de Alka-Seltzer y un vaso de agua. Recargado en el vaso estaba un sobrecito perfumado; el tipo anonadado abrió el sobre y en su interior halló un recado que decía:

-" Amor mío, vida de mi vida: Perdona que no esté aquí para atenderte... Salí un momento, pero regreso al rato para estar contigo. Te he dejado estas cosas sobre la mesita para que alivies el malestar que quizás sientas después de la borrachera de anoche Te he preparado un caldo como a ti te gusta, pollo y res, que te espera en el comedor. Le pedí a nuestro hijo que te lo sirva y que esté pendiente de ti, Te dejo un beso con todo mi amor. Tu esposa que te adora"

El hombre no daba crédito a sus ojos. Bebió con deleite las dos cervezas bien frías, se bañó, se vistió y bajo al comedor. Ahí en efecto lo esperaba su hijo, que lo saludó con cariño y le sirvió el caldo preparado por su madre.

Se lo comió en silencio, y el asombrado Padre pensó... ¿Qué esta sucediendo?' ¿Soñaba acaso? ¿Era aquello una vana ilusión de los sentidos?

Entonces se atrevió a preguntar con timidez: -¿Qué pasó anoche, hijo?'

-"Llegaste a las 3 de la mañana y venías en completo estado de ebriedad. Chocaste el carro en la puerta del garaje; le diste una patada al gato; te vomitaste en la sala y arruinaste la alfombra que mi mamá acababa de comprar, te measte en el closet. Luego te caíste en la escalera y ahí quedaste privado, sin sentido. Tuvo que despertarme mi mamá para que la ayudara a llevarte a la cama."

Y ¿Entonces? -Pregunta el Señor- ¿Por qué todo esto? ¿Por qué las cervecitas y el amoroso recadito, y el tremendo caldo y todas estas finas atenciones?

Responde el muchacho: - Porque mamá te iba a desvestir en la cama y cuando empezó a bajarte los pantalones tu dijiste:
"¡¡¡QUIETA PERRA!!! ¡¡¡QUE SOY CASADO!!!".

2 Alka-Seltzer: $0.50 c
2 Cervezas frías: $2.00
Sopa Maggi: $1.50

"Decir las palabras correctas en el momento preciso... ¡NO TIENE PRECIO!!!" Jajá jajá

latina4evrgp · Guru

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
Amen!'
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 01P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids, And put them to bed.

At 09 P.M .

He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.'

This has been voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year!

latina4evrgp · Guru

40 years of marriage...

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said,
'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each
other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling
husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish
is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

latina4evrgp · Guru

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and
Get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!

LGigolo · Comandante

OOOOPPPSSSIIIEEE - I KNEW it sounded familiar

latina4evrgp · Guru

Similar to the one I posted at the top of this thread smile

LGigolo · Comandante

I think this one may have been posted already somewhere on foro:

A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two
kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter said, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice
children you have there.. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't.
Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're
twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
I'm neither blind nor stupid', replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice. Have a great day and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart'

latina4evrgp · Guru

I like that one....lol

LGigolo · Comandante

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont . Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same - she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit - but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences

latina4evrgp · Guru

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill; BOTH ways...

yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter ...with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ usually talked over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no on screen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire . imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in

1980!

Regards, The over 30 Crowd

latina4evrgp · Guru

'Estimados pasajeros: Bienvenidos a bordo, les habla el Capitan Galdos del vuelo 888 con destino a la ciudad de Madrid. El tiempo estimado de vuelo sera de 5 horas con 50 minutos, les recordamos que este es un vuelo de no fumar, y les solicitamos abrocharse sus cinturones, etc , etc , etc.'

Terminado el discurso de bienvenida, el piloto olvida desconectar el altavoz y dirigiendose a su copiloto dice: 'Ahora si mi pana!!!! A penas ponga el piloto automatico, me hecho una cagadita y luego le hecho un polvito a la azafata!'

Al escuchar todos el comentario, la azafata se lanza como un trueno a la cabina para avisar al Capitan Galdos que desconecte el altavoz, cuando... de pronto e intempestivamente, una viejita que se encontraba en un asiento delantero del pasillo, le mete 'tremendo bastonazo', tumbandola al suelo. Desconcertada la azafata voltea hacia la viejita con cara de signo de interrogación, a lo que la anciana le dice:'¡¡¡QUIETAAAAAAAAA!!! ¡¡¡**** Desesperada!!!!
¡¡¡ Primero dejalo que cague !!!'

proudmami2nv · Regular

hehe

latina4evrgp · Guru

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

-I do physical labor.
-I work at great depths.
-I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
-I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
-I work in a damp environment.
-I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
-I work in high temperatures.
-My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

-You do not work 8 hours straight.
-You fall asleep after brief work periods.
-You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
-You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
-You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
-You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
-Correct protective clothing.
-You will retire well before you are 65.
-You are unable to work double shifts.
-You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
-And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the
workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina

latina4evrgp · Guru

LGigolo · Comandante

In case youre having a bad day, remember this story.

Jack is sitting at the bar looking at his drink for half an hour when a 260 lb.
Hells Angel walks in and sits next to him, grabs his drink, and gulps it down
in one swig. Poor Jack starts crying.
Come on little man, I was just giving you a hard time, says the biker,
Ill buy you another drink. I just cant stand to see a man crying.
This is the worst day of my life, says Jack between sobs. I cant
do anything right. I overslept. I was late to an important meeting, so my
boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen
and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left,
I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. I found my wife in bed with the
mail man so I came to this bar to put an end to my miserable life, and then
you show up and drink the damn poison.

El Duro · Foro Master

latina4evrgp · Guru

Afternoon funny!

DannyC · Guru

RE: Fwd: Afternoon funny!

El Duro · Foro Master

Lol

X4v13r · Comandante

It was once said "If there was porn on mars, us humans would have already settled on mars years ago" or something to that extent.

Point being, porn is the driving force behind everything.

- It's unbelievable what powers porn can possess.

- I once lifted a car over my head. All because of porn.

~X

LGigolo · Comandante

latina4evrgp wrote:
Daily thought:
some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs

Not sure why after reading that sentence, Lubglossboi came to mind!

latina4evrgp · Guru

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
;
4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simpl y cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily thought:
some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs

RazorbladeKiss · Guru

LOL

latina4evrgp · Guru

Glad you liked it!

LGigolo · Comandante

latina4evrgp · Guru

A very loud, ugly, pimply and extremely unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into the local supermarket store with two ****ty kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says, "Good morning madam and welcome to Woolworths; what lovely children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly wretch stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't twins! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think t hey're twins? Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?"
Well absolutely not madam," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe that anyone would screw you twice!"