Finding Out Your Countrys ****ability Value (or CFVs)

• Argentina: Argentina can boast about many things the US will never have: a female president, OKness with the gayness, and a more than decent soccer team. But before you peg Argentina as a one-trick-Perón, remember that the argentinos have also given us tango, Mendoza wine, and Borges. Then again, they also gave us Martín Fierro and Diego Maradona, not to mention inspired Andrew Lloyd Webber to write Dont cry for me Argentina, which is probably the gayest song ever to hit Broadway. (CFV = 80)
• Bolivia: Bolivia has elected neosocialist Evo Morales, who stole our hearts after he pleaded with Jon Stewart not to label him part of the axis of evil. However, dont let the name of the capital La Paz fool you. That place makes the Middle East look like Connecticut. (CFV = 40)
• Brazil: The world seems to love Brazilians in all their g-string and glittery splendor, which makes them highly prized in the sack. Brazil is the largest country in Latin America, a characteristic which seems to correspond with its peoples asses and cocks. I personally love Brazil because Its given us the unstoppable Xuxa, Funk da Cueca, and the mighty cachaça. They also speak Portuguese, which can be sexy yet soporific. (CFV = 75)
• Chile: Like their ubiquitous sea basses, Chileans are here to stay, way too expensive, and not that great for the environment. And yet, theres something rather attractive about a country thats long, thick, and erect with a curve at the end called, of all things, Tierra del Fuego. And how could you not like the place that gave us Pablo Neruda? However, its all fun and games until Pinochet comes and kills all your family. (CFV = 60)
• Colombia: Land of emeralds, flowers, beautiful beaches and acres upon acres of coca and marijuana. Whats not to love? Well, Ill tell you: Colombia has hot women, but the men leave something to be desired (see Juanes and Carlos Vives.) Not to mention this little country has kept the third world real with the kidnappyness of it all. And Shakiras Hips dont lie totally gives everyone who hears it aural herpes. (CFV = 60)
• Costa Rica: This is a cute, curious little country. It earns massive points for not having an army, which is kinda foolish if you have Nicaragua for a neighbor. Nonetheless, theres more biodiversity here than you can shake a hunting rifle at (the animals on the endangered list make a particularly awesome ceviche). Were sold on the happy-go-lucky attitudes of the Ticos, but San Jose blows. And dont even get me started on their airport. (CFV = 60)
• Cuba: Thanks to the foreign policy ****fest between the US and Cuba, we only get to experience a very skewed version of what an Authentic Cuban ® person is like. So it was with great shock that I came to realize they dont all wear circa 1983-inspired track suits and smoke cigars, or that they arent all gay writers with a penchant for bathroom sex. Shocker. However, since the rest of the free world can travel to Cuba we hear theyre pretty nice and the sex trade is good. Sadly theres Fidel. And Gloria Estefan. (CFV = 50)
• Dominican Republic: The poor mans Puerto Rico. What can I say about a country thats given us David Ortiz, Juan Luis Guerra, and Mangu? Mmmmm. But ask any resident of Manhattans Lower East Side, Washington Heights, New Jersey or Puerto Rico and theyll tell you Dominicans are a plague force to be reckoned with. Youre kinda ****ed when the Puerto Ricans consider you lower on the totem pole. (CFV = 40)
• Ecuador: Ecuador is part of the triumvirate of countries that has provided every restaurant kitchen with their much needed busboy staffing needs. The other two being Honduras and El Salvador. So, since we cant imagine a life where we would have to cook, let alone clean for ourselves, Ecuadorians get some pity extra points for that. However, if memory serves correctly, Ecuadorians will fall asleep on your ass during sex. Not that Ive ever slept with a busboy. Much. (CFV = 35)
• El Salvador: As previously mentioned, my exposure to Salvadorians are limited to polite exchanges like: Yes, Im done, you can take the plate away. Or Can I get that burger with extra lettuce, wink wink. In other words, Salvadorians are hard workers and work hard to please. Also, these adorable little munchkins have given us the best snack ever: the mighty pupusa. And who during a particularly dry month is not willing to give up the cherry for a nice pupusa? (CFV = 35)
• Guatemala: I had a political science professor in college from Guatemala. He had been teaching for over 30 years and, according to him, had never missed a single class during his tenure. He had the most impressive brain that I have ever encountered and his exams bordered on S/M power plays. He also made Freud, Marx, Kant, the Cuban revolution, Che Guevara, and socialist political ideals seem feasible, even practical. I got a D in that class. Ive always wished for a day when I could take revenge for it. Its finally here. (CFV = 20)
• Honduras: Honduras is one of the poorest countries in the Western Hemisphere, which means that they probably dont have computers, which means they dont know what the internet is, which also means they probably dont read blogs. **** em. Or not, as the case may be. (CFV = 25)
• Mexico: Ah, teh Mexicans! Now theres a classy country. Theres something about a Mexican in a Mariachi kit that makes gring@s (not to mention Puerto Ricans) want to drop their pants and worship the nopal fantastic. Mexicans are high on the ****ability index, and it may be because there are so many of the ****s around. Literally. Which is fine with me, although most right-wingers are convinced theyre bent on toppling the US government in an explosive chimichanga coup. So, in spite of my boundless love for Mexican imports like Trevi, Tequila, and Mauser, Mexicans are apparently taking all our jobs. Also, they owned California and they want it back. **** that. Why dont you take Jessica Alba instead? (CFV = 70)
• Nicaragua: Daniel Ortega, Nicaraguas president, looks like a caricature of your typical Latin American dictator complete with 70s porn star mustache. And unlike the other mustachioed developing country superstar Juan Valdez, this **** means business in a Sandinista kinda way. Be that as it may, Nicaragua isnt really a desirable destination for most wanderlusty cocks, so there. (CFV = 50)
• Panama: Our drug dealer is from Panama. Alas, so is Noriega, who looks like Sponge Bob SquarePants prior to Proactiv. (CFV = 45)
• Paraguay: Is that even a country? I thought it was a bird. (CFV = 30)
• Peru: Lilliputian pastors be damned. Peruvians are still considered exotic in the Inca-mami kinda way. Ask revolutionary Cameron Diaz. But how ****ed can you be to elect a Perupanese to do some origami on your political system? Also, they eat rats (CFV = 40)
• Puerto Rico: [Ed. Note: In the interest of disclosure, this writer was in fact born in the Rich Port. Twelve years in the frigid New England weather has made me cold and indifferent, so Im going to try to keep this **** real.] Puerto Ricans are quite fascinating, particularly when theyre not being too loud (Which is never). And when they dont have a hospital on lockdown , and theyre not celebrating their pride. But like the Newtonian laws of physics, for every thing that raises Puerto Ricos cachet, there seems to be an equally damaging thing that brings it back down again. To wit:
  
  

  Puerto Rican Awesomeness	Puerto Rican Whatthe****titude
  Tito Puente	Ivy Queen
  Rita Moreno	Wisin y Yandel
  Menudo	MDO
  Jennifer Lopez	Marc Anthony
  Bacardi	Calle 13
  Ricky Martin	Puppy Kamikaze
  Benicio del Toro	Daddy Yankee
  Miss Universe Drama	Miss Universe Drama

  
  
  For all that, who among us has not wanted to bone Jennifer Lopez and/or Ricky Martin and/or Benicio del Toro. At the same time. That pretty much encompasses every one of us. (CFV = 60)
• Spain: La madre patria. Yes, I know that Spain is not part of the Americas, but they helpfully discovered the land bringing with them herpes, genocide, and slavery. And where would blogs be without slavery and herpes, really? Yes, Spaniards have a high ****ability quota because their country is part of Europe, where the white people are. That gives them this colonialist dominant daddy mystique thats hard to beat (pun!). And we know this first hand, as half of Guanabee has been ****ing Spaniards on a regular basis. [Ed. Note: Ahem.] Spain gets points for giving the finger to the Roman Catholic church and legalizing gay marriage. Which is great, because Spaniards speak with a cute lispy accent, which makes them sound gayer than Mecano. Alas, Spaniards still think they own us, and that we should be grateful that they rescued us from our dark loinclothy past. Um, as if they know how to dress. Yeah, theyve given us Camper shoes and Custo Barcelona shirts. Exactly. (CFV = 80)
• Uruguay: According to many Argentinians, Uruguayans are what Mexicans are to the US: Dirty immigrants who cross the river who take away jobs. To which we say, eat it. However, Uruguay is as close to the US as Japan, which makes them hard to find and bed. I mean, how many Uruguayans do you know? Well, maybe thats your own damn fault for not going to Punta del Este and snorting lines of coke from an Australian models chiseled glutes. I havent met a Uruguayan that I havent liked. All 2 of them. (CFV = 45)
• Venezuela: Two words: Hugo Chavez. (CFV = 55)

Figure 1. Latin American (+ Spain) Countries ****ability Values (Click repeatedly on the image to make it bigger)

Time to add up your score and calculate your ****ability index. If you live in Latin America and your country wasnt listed, it simply doesnt exist. At least according to US standards. Now, plug in your countrys ****ability value to the formula above and figure out where you fall in the grand range of things. Dont forget to adjust your score if you meet the following criteria:

• If your countrys name has an ñ add 5 points
• If your country has hosted, participated in, or applauded terrorist activity subtract 5 points<
• If your country is run by a tyrannical, freedom-hating, commie ****tard subtract 5 points
• Add 5 points if Pablo Neruda ever lived in your country
• If Che Guevara visited your country in one of his reconnaissance trips, do nothing but ponder the significance of it all
• If your country is an island, subtract 3 points

Science helps explain the world around us. I hope this formula helps elucidate the previously inexplicable utter lack of ass or ass bonanza you may have experienced throughout your life. And to all of you who have doubts about my researchs accuracy, attribution errors, small sample, self-selection bias, or any other statistical bull****, I can say that Ive been nothing but scientific in probing my rather substantial sample. If you want to dispute your countrys standing, send me flowers and an invitation to dinner. And you better be hot. And by all means, debate away in the comments section.

Full article:

http://guanabee.com/2008/03/the-latin-american-****ability-1.php