These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?


WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


____________ _________ _________ __


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?


WITNESS: July 18th.


ATTORNEY: What year?


WITNESS: Every year.


____________ _________ _________ _______


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?


WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


____________ _________ _________ _______


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?


WITNESS: I forget.


ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you


forgot?


____________ _________ _________ _______


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?


WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.


ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?


WITNESS: Forty-five years.


____________ _________ _________ _______


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that


morning?


WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"


ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?


WITNESS: My name is Susan.


____________ _________ _________ _______ _


ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in


voodoo?


WITNESS: We both do.


ATTORNEY: Voodoo?


WITNESS: We do.


ATTORNEY: You do?


WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


____________ _________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his


sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?


WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


____________ _________ _________ ______


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?


WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.


____________ _________ _________ _________ _


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?


WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?


____________ _________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?


WITNESS: Uh....


____________ _________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: How many were boys?


WITNESS: None.


ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?


____________ _________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?


WITNESS: By death.


ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?


____________ _________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?


WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.


ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


____________ _________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a


deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?


WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


____________ _________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?


WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


____________ _________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?


WITNESS: Oral.


____________ _________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?


WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.


ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?


WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing


an autopsy on him!


____________ _________ _________ _________ _____


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?


WITNESS: Huh?


____________ _________ _________ _________ _____


And the best for last:


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for apulse?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when


you began the autopsy?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?


WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.


ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?


WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and


practicing law.