*blushes* it's so long that it didn't let me post it in one thread soooo.. here's part TWO:

51. If the real response to his question is no, try this instead: "Go ask your mom."

52. DNA tests are 99.9 percent accurate, but check the ears to be absolutely sure.

53. Reason boys are better: Boys start talking later than girls.

54. Reason girls are better: Boys toilet-train later than girls.

55. The twos aren't always terrible.

Even if they are, take heart, as kids aged three to six generally believe their parents are the most amazing beings alive and wish to be exactly like them.

How scary is that?

56. Establishing savings accounts for your kids and requiring them to make regular monthly deposits teaches them how to eventually become J. R Morgan.

The above could prove useful in your dotage.

57. Corny as it sounds, that Harry Chapin guy was right.

Then again, you could argue that W. C. Fields was right, too.

58. It's never too early to begin reading to children.

59. Let them read what they enjoy.

60. Except your porn, which your son will eventually steal unless you hide it really well.

No, you cannot ask for it back.

Furthermore, you cannot steal his.

61. Acceptable reading material: Dr. Seuss, Where the Wild Things Are, Harold and the Purple Crayon, Curious George, and any of the following by Roald Dahl -- James and the Giant Peach, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and Danny the Champion of the World.

Neither of the following by Roald Dahl: Kiss, kiss or Switch ****.

62. Know that by the time your kids are teens, those enormous baggy pants will be long gone, as will tattoos, piercing, and Marilyn Manson.

Of course, by 2015, kids might very well sever arms and legs as fashion statements.

63. Some parents walk around naked in front of their children.

These parents should stop it.

64. Nearly all psychological problems result from feelings of worthlessness, which is to say, every now and then make sure that you tell your kid he's pretty great.

65. And never raise a hand to him. But being a good guy, you probably knew that.

66. The harder they play, the earlier they sleep.

67. Never turn down an invitation to play.

68. No toys that require batteries.

69. They never really outgrow the claw.

"No, Dad, no! Not the claw!" means "Apply the claw, please."

70. All in all, fatherhood is pretty terrific -- filled with joy and triumph, promise and miracles -- particularly other people's fatherhood.

71. You might think you know a lot about fatherhood, but not as much as you will when you're a grandfather.

72. If you're thinking that fatherhood means the end of life as you've known it, you, sir, are, of course, absolutely correct.