1- If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.  

2- Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.

3- Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

4- Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

5- If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6- Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

7- Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monstertrucks.

8- Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

9- Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of itthat way.

10- When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

11- You have enough clothes.

12- You have too many shoes.

13- Crying is blackmail.

14- Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

15- Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say what the hell you want!

16- No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

17- Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

18- Most guys own three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with our dress?

19- Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

20- Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

21- A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22- Foreign films are best left for the foreigners.

23- Check your oil.

24- Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

25- It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

26- No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

27- Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

28- If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

29- If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

30- LET US LOOK!! We're going to look anyway; it's genetic. Besides, if we're not touching, what's the problem?

31- Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

32- You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

33- Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

34- Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

35- Women wearing Wonder-Bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36- More women should wear Wonder-Bras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.

37- The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

38- ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

39- Pumpkin is also a fruit.

40- If it itches, it will be scratched.

41- Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

42- If it's OUR house, I don't understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

43- We're not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

44- If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

45- If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But don't worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.

46- What the hell is a doily?