A LITTLE LONG BUT WORTH READING AND THINKING

MATING RITUALS III- FOR THE GUYS

So, love is a game. What's new?

And please, please don't give me that "It's not a game! You just have to be yourself" bull****. Because there are plenty of nice guys at home alone right now because they don't know how to play the game. It's sad, really.

I have learned the game. The hard way. Trial by fire and what not. And hoo-boy, was there a lot of fire. But I'm afraid that my past experiences, coupled with my thorough understanding of the system...have lead me to despite it to its very core. Really. I think its silly and stupid. This attitude will keep me single, but I can't seem to care.

However, instead of let all this wonderful knowledge go to waste, I have decided to pass it on. Because I know what a lot of you guys are going through. And I'd like to save you from it, if I can. It's hell, that I wish upon no man. Plus, it would be a shame to let all this stuff just go to waste. So now, I present to you, lonely guys across the world, a simple look into the intracies of the dating game.

Think of it as a spectrum...

"NICE GUY"|----------------------------------|MIDDLE GROUND|----------------------------------|"JERK"

The ends of the spectrum are the extreme. On one end, you have the nice guy. Sweet, charming, loveable...but highly dependent, lacks self-confidence, highly insecure, etc. Basically, whipped. On the other end, you have the jerk...rude, selfish, outspoken, but also confident, secure, and very independent. It is those last three qualities (confidence, self-security, independence) that women are most attracted to.

It's important to note how women react to the spectrum. Women are emotionally attracted to the nice guys. These are the guys who they'll come to for emotional support - they'll be open and honest with them, and even expose their secrets and what not. But women are physically attracted to the other end - the extreme right, the jerk end. It's not that they like jerks specifically, just the qualities they possess by nature (strength, security, independence...).

So what do women want? Ideally, they want a guy who falls in the middle ground - is nice, sweet, caring, but also is confident, independent, etc. When women say "Nice guys are hard to find", they are talking about the middle ground guys, who admittedly are a bit rarer than your average nice guy/jerk. Oftentimes, if they can't find that middle ground guy, they'll work on averages...get their physical needs from the extreme right, their emotional from the extreme left, and that will give her a middle ground of sorts. Or, women will start from the extreme right, the jerk end, and then try to bring the guy down to middle ground by "changing" him. They start on that end because that is what is attractive to them.

HOW DO I GET TO MIDDLE GROUND

Middle ground all depends on you. If you're one of those guys who is chronically lonely, and you think having a girlfriend will make you happy, guess what? You're an "extreme left" nice guy. You are emotional support only. The funny thing about this system is that if you truly and honestly don't care about having a girlfriend, then you will be in a good position to get one. Its like a catch-22. You have to be happy with yourself above all else - you absolutely positively cannot rely or depend on someone else to bring you happiness. Once you have the self-security, the confidence will follow, and you will be the type of person you need to be, relationship be damned.

You just need to realize that the only person that can truly make you happy...is you. Personally, I have faith in nobody...people are unreliable and overrated. That probably puts me closer to the extreme right. But, a lot more women notice me now than when I was extreme left. I don't even need or want them! Back to the catch-22.

I think I'm a middle ground kind of guy. But I still fall in the Friend Zone™. Why?

If you are middle ground, but you exhibit too many nice guy qualities, you will send nice guy signals to her, and she'll nudge you over to the extreme left. So, you'd be there emotionally, but never physically. Friend Zone. Basically, if you are in the middle ground, you need to showcase more jerk signals than nice guy signals. Is there too much of an extreme right? I honestly don't know. I flat out told one girl that I hated relationships and all women were evil, and that made her want me more. Go fig. But, if you're wondering what some of those signals are that will push you more to the extreme left than to the right, here are...

COMMON MISTAKES GUYS MAKE IN PURSUIT OF GIRLS

You say: "I'd like to be involved in a serious relationship right now/I'm looking for that special someone."
You think: You are communicating your maturity and your readiness for a relationship. You are telling her that you are prime for the taking.
She thinks: You are dependent and insecure. You need a girlfriend in order to be happy. She will be the sun to your universe - if she doesn't have time for you, or just doesn't want to see you on a particular occasion, it'll crush your world. And no one wants to have that kind of person around them.
What you should do: Don't say you want to be in a relationship. The attitude you should carry is "If it happens, fine. If it doesn't, fine. I don't care either way." This shows her that you are independent and secure with yourself. This is attractive to her.

You say: "I'm really lonely right now/women just don't find me attractive for some reason."
You think: You can get some sympathy from her, and that's a warm feeling, right? Plus, you're showing her that being an "undiscovered jewel" so to speak, she won't have any competition in nabbing you for herself.
She thinks: If other women don't like you, why should she? Plus, sympathy is a nice emotion...but the root of sympathy is pathetic, and pathetic is not attractive. Pathetic gets you in the FZ in no time flat.
What you should do: You should lead a healthy social life. Or at least, appear to. By all means, do NOT talk about your exploits with other women around her. That's a big no-no. But you should have other friends that you do things with. If she's going to be all you've got, again, that's waaaaay too much burden for her to bear.

She says: "I don't think I'm as pretty as other girls/I look terrible today/I'm not that attractive" or some other such statement designed to fish for a compliment.
You say: "What? You are very pretty/you always look good/you are very attractive" ...basically, giving her the compliment she was fishing for.
You think: You're making her feel good, and communicating your interest by showing how highly you think of her.
She thinks: How nice. What a good friend. See the problem? Now she knows that she has your approval, and doesn't have to work for it. Plus, anytime she doubts herself she can come to you for instant support.
What you should do: You can compliment her...but only when its warranted. If you go out to a fancy restaurant and she's dressed up, tell her how beautiful she looks. Once. Don't overdo it - if you run into her, and she's wearing a sweater and her pajama bottoms, don't tell her how beautiful she looks. Again, you're not here for emotional support. Not yet. Emotional support leads straight to the FZ.

"I Just Want to Make Her Happy" - Weak Wallet Syndrome - You constantly buy her things...from lunch/movie, dinner, maybe she sees a stuffed animal she thinks is cute, and you bust out your wallet and buy it.
You think: You are making her happy, and showing what a stand-up guy you are.
She thinks: You are so insecure, you have to buy people's approval. Which, if you think about it, is kind of true.
What you should do: Keep your wallet in check. You can do that kind of thing maybe once in a while, but make it rare. You shouldn't give off the vibe that you have to buy her approval...she should like you for who you are, $$ is irrevalent. If she sees something she likes, don't buy it on the spot for her. Come back later, buy it, and give it to her after some time has passed. She will be impressed by your thoughtfulness, and even more impressed that you remembered. If you buy it on the spot, not only does it not have that great effect, but it might put you in the FZ/just weird her out.

"I Just Want to Make Her Happy" 2 - Sucker Syndrome - You are doing her favors. Especially ones where you have to go out of your way. You help her study for a class you're not even taking. You give her a ride, when it's in the opposite direction. You help her set up her computer, which takes hours out of your day. ...You get the idea.
You think: You're showing your committment to her through all these nice things. And again, what a nice guy you are.
She thinks: Just like buying her stuff, except now with time and effort instead of money.
What you should do: Again, you shouldn't be trying to buy her approval. She should like you for your own merits, not what you do for her. You can do her a favor occasionally, but make sure it's on a "I scratch your back, you scratch mine" basis - you expect her to return the favor at some point. For example, you buy her lunch one day, and make sure to mention that now she owes you lunch at some point in the future. And hell, collect that free lunch. You get the idea. Again, this shows your independence and confidence in yourself. If she were to become interested in you, it would be an equal relationship, not just you always trying to please her. Being pampered might be fun as a novelty for a while, but no woman wants that - she wants a partner, not a worshipper.

Over-committment to Her...ie Flake Syndrome - She asks what you're doing tonight. You tell her that you have plans with some of your other friends. Disappointed, she tells you she asked because she was hoping you two could do something. You offer to break your plans with your friends so you can go out with her.
You think: You get an opportunity to spend some time with her, and that's not bad, right? Plus, you're showing her how important she is to you.
She thinks: You're way too dependent. She wants her boyfriend to be a part of her life, not her life. You should be an addition, not a takeover. She wants to be able to go out with her friends without you if she wants, and to have time alone now and then. If you're breaking plans with your friends for her, then you'll expect the same from her, and she's not sure she wants to do that. Plus, if you can break your plans with your friends, how long until you're breaking your plans with her?
What you should do: Mirror her disappointment that you two couldn't go out tonight, but make plans for another night. Then and there. Something definite. Get a day at the very least - "What about next Saturday?" If she's interested in you, she will find a way to meet you in the middle.

Conversely, don't give too much preference to your friends. If she runs into you and your friends somewhere, don't be cold to her. Smile, be friendly, and tell her you'll call later. You don't want to drop your friends completely for her, so keep it brief and deal with her on your own time.

Deference of Choice - You two make plans. You ask her "Where do you want to go for dinner/what kind of movie do you want to see?" etc... She hits you with the female Old Reliable™, "I don't know." You then start trying to figure out what she wants, by giving her options, trying to get her to pick something.
You think: You are being sensitive to her needs by giving her preference, trying to determine what she wants.
She thinks: You are indecisive and slow to action. Not attractive.
What you should do: Offer her a choice initially, sure. After she hits you with "I don't know" (I reeeeeeeeally hate that, BTW), already have something in mind. Pick it. "Well then, I've always wanted to try so-and-so/I really like this, lets...." Make a decision. If she doesn't like it, she'll let you know. If she doesn't, then that's her fault for not saying anything. But either way, she'll admire your decisiveness. If you are asking her out, try to have several choices already in mind...if you ask her to dinner, have at least 3-4 restaurants ready to go...recommend the first, and if she objects, keep going until you get to one she doesn't have a problem with.

Too Much Too Fast - You really like this girl. You can't stop thinking about her...and you just met her yesterday! You call everyday, or every other day. You call her immediately after dates. You want to see her as often as possible. You're already gushing about how great she is. And so on...
You think: You're showing her how much you like her, thus opening the gates for a potential relationship.
She thinks: Back off partner. You're getting Kathy Bates "Misery" weird. She doesn't want you to consume her life. Plus, you're very dependent, and she will be the pillar of support you depend on. Nobody wants to carry around that weight.
What you should do: Remember that as a potential future boyfriend, you would supplement her life, not take it over. Start small. Especially initially, you should always let a few days pass before making contact again. If you go out on a date on a Saturday, call her again on Monday or Tuesday (personally, I'd go Tuesday). Don't be so thrilled about her - you two barely know each other! Show her that you're interested, but you still need to know more about her before you get head over heels. Coming around too much can really ruin things...I saw this one guy completely destroy his chances with this girl because he text messaged her every day, sometimes 2-3 times a day. She was really interested too, but after that it was just too much and she hit him with "let's just be friends." Poor bastard.

"Issues" - You're getting comfortable with this girl. You like her a lot. Subsequently, you decide to open up with her. Start sharing about your thoughts and feelings. Tell her about all the things that's going on in your life. And she does the same, trusting you with "secrets" and always saying how comfortable she is around you.
You think: You two are growing closer...so the relationship must be around the corner.
She thinks: "Yay! Emotional support! A friend! Now I need to go find some jerk to $#@* ."
What you should do: Do NOT let the issues start to come out while dating. Keep your blasted mouth shut, even if she starts to pry. If she starts talking about her own, head that **** off at the pass. Issues are for much later, when the relationship has been established and solidified. If you let the issues come out now, yeah, you'll grow closer, but in that whole emotional support context. She will not be attracted to you. You will own the Friend Zone. Dates are simply for having fun and getting to know each other better.