Survival Guide for taking a dump at work

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is

inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, the following is the Survival

Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the

smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know

where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full

fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has

left your pants.

FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and

check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come

back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become

suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or

forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of

embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it

did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,

pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable

for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun

pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this

should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left

the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits

the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the

bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after

you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment

if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that

the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it.

You will often see an Out Of The Closet pooer enter the bathroom with a

newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office

for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band

together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group

can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and

identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you

can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite

sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and

tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and

vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs,

remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid

all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom

that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to

alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with

an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars

that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the

cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately

so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet

water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon

coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes

in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough

with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend

extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An

Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should

always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as

the other bathroom attendees