There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
 particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
 the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

 New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
 you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger
 was found in a bowl of Wendy's chilli. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
 What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a
 finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it
 alive.

 New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
 blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
 for these kids: lucky bastards.

  New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
 about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

 New Rule: There's no such thing as flavoured water. There's a whole
 aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
 taste. Sorry, but flavoured water is called a soft drink. You want
 flavoured water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
 flavoured water.

 New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
 ****. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf Grande
 half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
 cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
 NutraSweet," . . . ooh, you're a huge ****.

 New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
 doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
 And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
 anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
 You're not spiritual. You're just high.

 New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
 deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive
 Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just
 too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
 They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

 New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
 old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
 remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
 remember the reason something was a television show in the first place
 was the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

 New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
 weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
 rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it
 for you isn't gift giving, it's a version of looting.

 New Rule: (and this one is long overdue)

 No more bathroom attendants!

 After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
 had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be
 there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your
 web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

 New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
 months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
 And for the record - I didn't really care in the first place.