Once upon a time my wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day "little" sister called and asked me to go over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me. I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!! And the moral of this story is :
Llegan tres hombres al infierno: un boricua, un cubano y un hindu.Y el diablo les dice:-bueno, pues les dare una oportunidad: aquel que aguante tres latigazos mios se iran al cielo, ademas, se podran poner lo que quieran en la espalda.Los hombres aceptan y el primero es el cubano quien se cubre con un ladrillo de concreto grandisimo.. y zaz! el diablo al primer latigazo la rompe y el gringo dice:-ya! ya! ni modo aqui me quedo ...pero no sigas viejo.Depues pasa el hindu, se arrodilla para recibir los latigazos y el diablo sorprendido le dice:-Oh, muy valiente, no? De verdad que no te vas a poner nada en la espalda?y el hindu contesta--yo solo necesito de concentracion-bueno como quieras- responde el diablozaz! el primer latigazo y el hindu solo gimezaz! segundo y el hindu sigue tranquilozaz! tercero y el hindu fresco como la lechuga,entonces el diablo le dice:-lo prometido es deuda: te puedes ir al cieloy el hindu contesta:-nada de eso, yo me voy orita, antes quiero ver al boricua gritar cuando le des los azotes, pues siempre nos fastidian en los chistes, quiero ver con que va a salir ahora.Entonces le toca el turno al boricua quien tambien se arrodilla y el diablo le dice:-Y tu, qué te pondras en la espalda?y el boricua le pregunta:- me puedo poner lo que yo quiera?-Absolutamente!- responde el diablo-y el boricua dice, ah pues bien... se puso de pié de nuevo, caminó hacia el Hindú, lo agarró, y se lo puso en la espalda. lol
A female Mountie pulled over a drunk farmer driving down the back roads. She said to him, "You're under arrest, anything you say, can and will be held against you." "Tits", replied the farmer.
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
-"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
This is actually the first email I ever received. It still makes me cry from laughter...
Notes From An Inexperienced Jerk Chicken Taster Named FRANK, from Boston, who was visiting Jamaica:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Jamaica, to be a judge at a Jerk Chicken cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the callcame. I was assured by the other two judges (Jamaicans) that the Jerk Chicken wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: "Mosiah's Hell Raiser Jerk Chicken" JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on pimento. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
Chili # 2: "Shatta's Mo Fyah Jerk Chicken" JUDGE ONE: Smoky flavor. Slight Scotch Bonnet tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this @#$%& out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
Chili # 3: "Willie's Backstrech Burn Jerk Chicken" JUDGE ONE: Great kick. Needs more spices. JUDGE TWO: A bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: This has got to be a &%$#@ joke. Call the @#$%& EPA; I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got the &$@%# out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chili # 4: "Wasp's Black Magic" JUDGE ONE: Almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Good side dish for other mild foods. FRANK: &%$#@!!! I felt something scraping across my tongue, but I was unable to taste it. Miss Icey, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Chili # 5: "My Yout's Legal Lip Remover" JUDGE ONE: Scotch Bonnet peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Must admit the Scotch Bonnet peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed the &%$#@ paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her Jerk Chicken had given me brain damage. Miss Icey saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: "Shelly T's Very Spicy Variety" JUDGE ONE: Good balance of spices and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers and spices. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chili # 7: "Wally's Screaming Sensation Jerk Chicken" JUDGE ONE: A mediocre Jerk Chicken with too much reliance on bottled seasoning. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw on bottled seasoning at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress. FRANK: I think these @$%& people are trying to kill me!!! You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with Jerk, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At the autopsy0 they'll know what the &$#@ killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: "Portia's Delight" JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend Jerk Chicken, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced Jerk Chicken, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the Jerk Chicken platter on top of himself. FRANK: -------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
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"Most of us fall short much more by omission than by commission."
Muere un argentino y va al cielo. Alli estaba el pobre paseando por los alrededores hasta
que se topa con una casa muy pintoresca y decide meterse. Ahí se encuentra con San Pedro.
Observa bien y ve que hay relojes por todos lados... Nota además que al pie de cada reloj figura el nombre de un país. Intrigado el hombre le pregunta a San Pedro:
- Dígame ¿Para que sirven estos relojes? - ¡Aaah! estos relojes miden las cagadas que se mandan en cada país. Por cada gran cagada avanzan un minuto.
- ¡Huy... que interesante! Alemania, E.E.U.U, Francia... Esteee... Disculpe que lo interrumpa otra vez, pero... ¿Y la Argentina por que no está? - No, si que está, lo que pasa es que lo pusimos en el techo.
- ¿En el techo? -dice el tipo asombrado... - Sí, lo pusimos en el techo porque lo usamos de ventilador.
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The opinions expressed by this poster should always be considered offensive to Guadalupipi.
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States!"
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The opinions expressed by this poster should always be considered offensive to Guadalupipi.
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?" The guy said, "NO!"
And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook and farted whenever she wanted.
THE END
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"To be a good Promoter you must have the heart of a Gambler and the mind of a Computer"
Ok I have a joke for you....hopefully no one has heard of this one yet...I have to warn you it's kind of nasty and not very lady like of me but here it goes.....
WHAT'S GREEN AND SMELLS LIKE PORK????????????????
........KERMIT THE FROG'S FINGER (in case people are like "who is Kermit" he is one of the muppets....I'll let you figure out the rest)
"Most of us fall short much more by omission than by commission."
