I GOT JOKES TOO

Caliche · TOP Guru

RE: I GOT JOKES TOO

angelita dulce · Foro Master

LOL!! Too funny!!!

Caliche · TOP Guru

Great Reasons To Be a Guy

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still by
your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you to truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever
thinking: "He must be mad at me".

Same work...more pay.

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress--$2,000. Tuxedo rental --$75.00

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might
become lifelong friends.

Your pals can be trusted to never trap you with "So, notice anything
different?

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives on December 24th,
in 45 minutes.

Caliche · TOP Guru

Why We Didn't Do It To My Dear Wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I

have succeeded 12 times. The following list is why I didn't succeed

often.

1. The sheets are clean. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .54 times

2. It is too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 times

3. Too tired from shopping all day. . . . . . . . . . 49 times

4. It is too early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 times

5. It is too hot. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times

6. Pretending to be asleep. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times

7. The neighbors will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . .3 times

8. Headache. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22 itmes

9. Sunburn. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 times

10. Your Mother will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . . .9 times

11. Not in the mood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 times

12. You will wake the baby. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . 17 times

13. Watching the late show. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . 6 times

14. New Hairdo. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5 times

15. Too sore. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 times

16. Wrong time of month. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times

17. Have to get up early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 times

Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory

because 2 times you just laid there, 4 times you reminded me that there

was a crack in the ceiling, 3 times you told me to hurry up and get it

over with, 2 times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had

finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

To My Dear Husband,

I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the

real reasons you did not get it more often than you did.

1. Came home drunk and tried to **** the cat. . . . . . 15 times

2. Did not come home at all. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times

3. Did not cum. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21 times

4. Came too soon. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 times

5. Went soft before you got it in. . . . . . . . . . . .33 times

6. Toes cramped. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 times

7. Working too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .38 times

8. Have to get up early to play golf. . . . . . . . . . 29 times

9. Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls. . . 2 times

10. Caught Herman in your zipper. . . . . . . . . . . . .4 times

11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running. . . . . . .3 times

12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee. . . . . . . . . . .3 times

13. You had a splinter in your finger. . . . . . . . . . 2 times

14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book. . . . .16 times

15. Watching football on TV. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98 times

16. Hemorrhoids flared up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because

you were ****ing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the

ceiling. What I said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling.

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to

breathe!!

Caliche · TOP Guru

60 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator 1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do..." and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at the passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
51. Bring a water pistol. Soak everyone's shoes.
52. Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, screaming "Aaughh! Get them off!"
53. Challenge your neighbor to a "Tic-Tac-Toe" tournament.
54. Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other passengers like they are crazy.
55. Charge into the elevator dripping wet, holding a towel and wearing only a bath robe. Mutter something about how husbands/wives always come home early just when it's getting to the good part.
56. Make chalk drawings on the walls.
57. As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting "Down! I said down, dammit!"
58. Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on.
59. Try to get a game of "Twister" going.
60. Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your neighbor suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away.