----Jokes Thread-----

LAB_ · Guru

RE: ----Jokes Thread-----

LAB_ · Guru

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

luna chiquitita · TOP Guru

A boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."

"Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes...Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars.............. but Realistically, we're living with two whores and a queer.

TV Buff · TOP Guru

Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

EL SEXO Y LA PISTOLA
Un tipo le dice a un amigo:
Estoy preocupado. Mi esposa se desconcentra y pierde el interés cada vez que hacemos el amor. ¡Y nosé qué hacer!

Hombre! - responde el otro -¿Sabes que a mi me pasaba lo mismo con mi mujer? Lo que hice una vez, fue que cuando estábamos haciendo el amor y noté que estaba perdiendo el interés, saqué mi pistola y eché un tiro al aire. ¡Del susto, mi mujer se excitó de nuevo y terminamos genial. Haz la prueba. Toma, te presto la pistola.

Al día siguiente se encuentran los dos de nuevo. Y qué? ¡Cuéntame!Cómo te fue con mi técnica?

Ni me hables! - responde el otro espantado -.Estábamos haciendo el 69 y cuando ví que mi mujer estaba desanimándose,saqué la pistola y eché un tiro al aire. Del susto, mi mujer me cagó la cara, me mordió un huevo y para completar...
Del closet salió un cabrón desnudo con las manos arriba pidiendo perdón

Shei · Guru

JOKER_ESCO wrote:

La primera menstruación de Mafalda Cuentan que era la primera menstruación de Mafalda y estaba sola en casa. No sabia que hacer, entonces se fue a la casa de su mejor amigo, Felipe, y le dice: -"Felipe, esta tu mama?" -"No Mafalda, en que te puedo ayudar??" -"No Felipe, son cosas de mujeres, no te puedo contar" -"No, pero dime..yo te puedo ayudar...yo se mucho de mujeres" -"No Felipe!!! Esta la empleada de servicio???" -"No! Pero cuentame a mi!! Yo se mucho de mujeres... -"No Felipe!!!! Y tu hermana, esta?????? -"No, no esta! Dale, decime a mi...Yo se mucho!!! Daaaaale... -"Bueno, esta bien Felipe, te cuento..." Mafalda se levanta la pollera y le muestra que estaba toda ensangrentada; Felipe horrorizado le dice: MAFALDA... ESTAS LOCA?!!! TE CORTASTE LOS HUEVOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

jajjajajaja ya lo conocia..pero está genial..!!!!!!!!!!!!

Muy bueno Jok!

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

La primera menstruación de Mafalda

Cuentan que era la primera menstruación de Mafalda y estaba sola en casa.
No sabia que hacer, entonces se fue a la casa de su mejor amigo, Felipe,
y le dice: -"Felipe, esta tu mama?"

-"No Mafalda, en que te puedo ayudar??"

-"No Felipe, son cosas de mujeres, no te puedo contar"
-"No, pero dime..yo te puedo ayudar...yo se mucho de mujeres"
-"No Felipe!!! Esta la empleada de servicio???"
-"No! Pero cuentame a mi!! Yo se mucho de mujeres...
-"No Felipe!!!! Y tu hermana, esta??????
-"No, no esta! Dale, decime a mi...Yo se mucho!!! Daaaaale...
-"Bueno, esta bien Felipe, te cuento..." Mafalda se levanta la pollera y
le muestra que estaba toda ensangrentada; Felipe horrorizado le dice:

MAFALDA... ESTAS LOCA?!!! TE CORTASTE LOS HUEVOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

SOLICITUD DE AUMENTO DE SALARIO DEL PENE

YO, EL PENE, PIDO AUMENTO DE SALARIO POR LAS SIGUIENTES RAZONES:

01. Ejecuto trabajo físico
02. Trabajo a grandes profundidades
03. Trabajo de cabeza
04. No gozo de descanso semanal, ni días feriados
05. Trabajo en un local extremadamente húmedo
06. No me pagan horas extras ni nocturnidad
07. Trabajo en un local oscuro y sin ventilación
08. Trabajo a altas temperaturas
09. Trabajo expuesto a enfermedades contagiosas

RESPUESTA DE LA ADMINISTRACIÓN:

Después de lo planteado por el solicitante y considerando los argumentos expuestos, la administración rechaza las exigencias del mismo por las siguientes razones:

01. No trabaja ocho horas consecutivas
02. Se duerme en el puesto de trabajo después de una corta actividad laboral
03. No siempre responde a las exigencias de la jefatura
04. No siempre es fiel a su puesto de trabajo, se mete en otros departamentos
05. Descansa mucho antes de tiempo
06. No tiene iniciativa.
07. Para que trabaje hay que estimularlo y presionar
08. Descuida la limpieza y el orden del local al terminar la jornada de trabajo
09. No siempre cumple con las reglas de uso de los medios de protección e higiene del trabajo
10. No espera a la jubilación para retirarse
11. No le gusta doblar turnos
12. A veces se retira de su puesto de trabajo cuando aun tiene faena pendiente
13. Y por si fuera poco, se le ve entrar y salir constantemente del puesto de trabajo con dos bolsas sospechosas.

TV Buff · TOP Guru

January 12, 2006

       Re: Mr. Bill Fenton: Multiple Complaints

       Dear Mrs. Fenton,

       Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has
       been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate
       this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family
       from shopping in any of our stores We have documented all incidents on
       our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerk s are attending counseling
       from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton
       have been compiled and are listed below.

       15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:

       1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
       people's carts when they weren't looking.

       2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at
       5-minute intervals.

       3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
       restrooms.

       4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
       tone,
       Code 3 in house wares..... and watched what happened.

       5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of
        M&M's on layaway.

       6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
       area.

       7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
       other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the
       bedding department.

       8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins
        to cry and asks 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?

       9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
       mirror, and picked his nose.

       10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
        asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

       11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming
       the "Mission Impossible" theme.

       12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look
       using different size funnels.

       13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
       through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

       14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
       he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices
       again!!!!"

       (And, last, but not least!)

       15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited
       awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

Las Definiciones de Divorcio

· Divorcio es cuando tu mujer decide vivir con tu sueldo pero sin ti.

· Es cuando te separas de tu mujer y te casas con un abogado.

· Divorcio es el mayor problema de nuestro tiempo, despues del matrimonio.

· Es cuando tu media naranja ya esta exprimida, y comienza a exprimirte a ti.

· Es cuando pelearte con tu pareja ya es aburrido y contratas unos abogados
para que animen la discusion.

· Es cuando vas a la casa de animales domesticos y pides que te cambien la foca
por una sirena.

· Reanudacion de relaciones diplomaticas con rectificacion de fronteras.

· El unico placer del que no disfrutan los solteros.

· Por cada 100 matrimonios hay 200 divorcios.

· Vida despues de la muerte.

· Cuando la felicidad te pasa a costar el doble.

· Es por lo que muchos se animan a casarse.

· Es el corrector ortografico de la vida.

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

Una pareja de ancianos van juntos a hacerse el examen médico anual. Después de ser revisado el señor, el médico le dice:

- Su salud es perfecta. Dígame, ¿tiene alguna preocupación de la que quisiera hablarme?

- Ahora que lo pienso, sí - dice el anciano. Después de tener relaciones con mi mujer la primera vez, usualmente termino con calor y sudo mucho. Después, cuando le hago el amor la segunda vez, tengo frío y casi me congelo.

- Qué extraño, le voy a dar para que se haga algunos análisis, pero es muy extraño.

Luego del hombre le toca el turno a la mujer. El médico, tras analizar su salud, le comenta:

- Todo parece estar muy bien señora, ¿tiene algo en particular que quiera comentarme?

- No, nada - contesta la mujer.

- En confianza le voy a contar, su esposo está preocupado; le pasa algo muy extraño, dice que usualmente le da calor y suda después de tener sexo con usted la primera vez, y que luego tiene frío y casi se congela cuando lo hacen la segunda vez.

- Claro que es así - dice la mujer indignada - eso pasa porque la primera vez ocurre usualmente en verano y la segunda en invierno.

Llega una viejita a la cárcel el día de la visita conyugal y le dice al portero:
- Señor, yo vengo a la visita conyugal.
El portero asombrado le pregunta:
- ¿Pero señora, con quién?
- Con cualquiera, con cualquiera...

Un viejito de ochenta años va al médico a preguntarle si puede tener hijos con su esposa de setenta. El médico le da un tarrito y le dice que le traiga al día siguiente una muestra de semen. Cuando vuelve, el viejito le dice:

- Doctor, no he podido traerle la muestra de semen.

- ¿Es que cómo lo ha intentado?

- Primero con la mano derecha, después con la izquierda. Luego lo intentó mi esposa, primero con las dos manos y luego con los dientes, pero no hubo forma... No pudimos abrir el tarrito.

El viejito se está bañando cuando de pronto siente que su pene comienza a endurecerse y llama a su viejita:

- Josefina, Josefina, ven pronto.

La viejita va corriendo al baño y cuando ve este espectáculo le dice al viejito:

- ¿Me desnudo, me desnudo?- pregunta con emoción.

- ¡Déjate de eso y ve rápido a buscar la cámara para tomar una foto!

Tres viejos están sentados en un banco tomando el sol.

- Si es que hay que ver lo que es la edad... tengo 70 años, y todos los días a las 7 en punto me levanto con unas ganas horribles de mear, pero no hay forma, me paso el día entero queriendo mear pero no puedo.

- Pues eso no es nada. A mis ochenta años, me levanto a las 8 y lo primero que hago es irme a cagar, pero nada, que no hay manera, y así me paso el día entero.

- Lo mío es peor. Con mis noventa años, yo meo todos los días a las 7 y cago a las ocho; luego, a las nueve, me despierto.

Dogo · Comandante

Lahtina wrote:

Dogo wrote: Lahtina wrote: Short and dumb... *Ring! Ring, Ring* - Habla Dora. -Habladora su abuela! Hahahahahaha, you were just dying to use that on me, weren't you?!

jijijijijijijiji!

Lahtina · Foro Master

Dogo wrote:

Lahtina wrote: Short and dumb... *Ring! Ring, Ring* - Habla Dora. -Habladora su abuela!

Hahahahahaha, you were just dying to use that

on me, weren't you?!

Dogo · Comandante

Lahtina wrote:

Short and dumb... *Ring! Ring, Ring* - Habla Dora. -Habladora su abuela!

Lahtina · Foro Master

Short and dumb...

*Ring! Ring, Ring*

- Habla Dora.

-Habladora su abuela!

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

EL PRECIO DE LA CURIOSIDAD MASCULINA

Quién dijo que los hombres no son curiosos?

Baño de mujeres:

Un hombre estaba en un avión, muy apurado por ir al baño, pero el de caballeros estaba ocupado.

Entonces, le pidió permiso a la azafata para usar el de mujeres, que en ese momento, extrañamente, estaba libre.

La azafata le respondió que no había inconveniente siempre y cuando tuviese cuidado de no salpicar la tabla del inodoro y no presionar ninguno de los siguientes botones: SLA, SSA, STA, o RAT.

Así fue que el valiente protagonista, después de aliviarse a placer, sintió una enorme e irresistible curiosidad por saber la función de los 4 botones.

Se sentó con cuidado en el inodoro y apretó el primer botón, que tenía un rótulo que decía "SLA"(Sistema de LimpiezaAutomática). Sintió un chorro de agua tibia en sus partes íntimas y pensó "es una delicia este baño, ahora comprendo porqué las mujeres se pasan aquí las horas enteras"

Luego apretó el botón que decía "SSA" (sistema de secado automático) y sintió cómo un chorro de aire caliente le fue dirigido también al mismo lugar.

El tipo no lo podía creer!!!.

Por lo que accionó el siguiente botón, "STA" (Sistema de Talco Automático), con lo que hasta su cuerpo llegó la caricia de una nube impregnada de aromático talco.

Aquello estaba alcanzando alturas insospechadas!!!!!!!!!

Luego, apretó el último botón.......................

Cuando despertó... no sabía ni dónde estaba, ni qué hora era, ni cómo había llegado hasta allí.

Se le acercó una enfermera muy amable, que le explicó que estaba en un hospital, que había llegado hacía dos días en estado de shock traumático y que habían conseguido normalizar sus signos vitales.

El hombre preguntó:

El avión tuvo un accidente?.

No señor, aterrizó normalmente en su destino.

Qué es lo que ocurrió entonces ?

Usted presionó el botón RAT (Retiro Aautomatico De Tampones) en el baño de mujeres... Debajo de la almohada le dejamos su pene. Que tenga un buen día, señor."

Caliche · TOP Guru

1.- oye manolo,te vendo un auto.............
    y para que quiero un auto vendado?

2.- Era tan,pero tan gallego, que creia que el jeep4x4
    tenia 16 ruedas

3.- Mira Manolo, me compreun reloj ! que marca!
    pues la hora hombre

4.- que hjace un gallego vestido de vampiro conduciendo un tractor?.........
    intenta sembrar el panico

5.- Porque un gallego se abanica con un serrucho?
    porque le dijeron que el aire de la sierra es mas sano

6.- Que es un gallego,con un maletin,montadoen un arbol?........
    un vendedor de bienes raices

7.- Oye, Manuel................te gusta el placido domingo?
    pues claro hombre...........antes que el reputisimo lunes

8.- Q ue hace una gallega tirandose del balcon de un octavo piso con las piernas abierta?.......
    esta probando las nuevas toallitas con alas protectoras

9.- Entra un gallego con un perico a un bar, y el cantinero le pregunta:
    habla el animal?y yo que se?- respondio el perico de mal modo

10.- Porque en galicia no hay arboles?..............
      porque los gallegos los mataron buscando la raiz cuadrada

11.- Van 2 gallegos enn un bote:oye, Jose tu sabes porque los buzos se lanzan hacia a tras al mar?
      joder hombre, porque si se lanzan hacia el frente caerian en el bote

12.- Que sale del cruze de un burro y una tortuga?
      ........un gallego ninja

13.- Un helicoptero se ha estrellado en un cementerio en galicia. la policia informa
      que 464 muertos resultaron heridos

14.- A un gallego lo detiene la policia y la dice: - deme su nombre y apellido.
      esta usted loco?..........y yo despues como me llamo?

15.- Suena el telefono en la casa de Manolo:
      oye, Manolo te llamo por la cortadora de cesped * caramba, pepe que bien se te escucha

16.- Manolo y pepe se estan bañando en las duchas de "club sportivo y cultural la coruña"
      Manolo, me puedes dar de tu shampooo?
      pero no te he visto hace rato comprando uno?
     si, pero no me habia dado cuenta de que dice: "para cabello seco"y yo ahora lo tengo
      todo mojado

17.- Se encuentran 2 gallegos en lacalle y uno pregunta al otro
     porque caminas con las piernas abiertas?porque tengo el colesterol muy alto
     que tiene que ver el colesterol con caminar de esa forma? el medico me dijo:
     "los huevos.................ni tocarl

QUE chula LINDA · Guru

JOKER_ESCO wrote:

30 HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahhhh, it's cute. 3. Why don't we just cuddle? 4. You know they have surgery to fix that. 5. Make it dance. 6. Can I paint a smiley face on it? 7. Wow, and your feet are so big. 8. It's OK, we'll work around it. 9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 10. Oh no... a flash headache. 11. (giggle and point) 12. Can I be honest with you? 13. How sweet, you brought incense. 14. This explains your car. 15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 16. Why is God punishing me? 17. At least this won't take long. 18. I never saw one like that before. 19. But it still works, right? 20. It looks so unused. 21. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 23. Are you cold? 24. If you get me real drunk first. 25. Is that an optical illusion? 26. What is that? 27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 28. Does it come with an air pump? 29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.

ehehhehe this is sooooooo cute. I am so e-mailing it to everyone.

5. Make it dance. 6. Can I paint a smiley face on it? 11. (giggle and point) ...lol

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

30 HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

QUE chula LINDA wrote:

Penis Requests a Raise

This 1 is really funny LoL

Jinx · TOP Guru

me pica el q-lo

El Representante · Guru

QUE chula LINDA wrote:

Penis Requests a Raise - this is too funny

Sweetness · Guru

el pedo

Jaimito cuando era niño, le pregunta a su mama
- ¡mama! ¿el pedo pesa?
su mama le responde:
- hijo como va a pesar el pedo, el pedo no pesa
- y jaimito le responde entonces me e cagao

QUE chula LINDA · Guru

Penis Requests a Raise

I,the penis,hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great dephts
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp enviroment
I don\'t get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagioua diseases

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request,and considering the arguments you have raised,the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours strait
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow orders of the managment team
You do not stay in your allocated position,and often visit other areas.
You do not take initiative-you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You dont always observe necessary saftey regulations,such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You\'ll retire well before reaching 65
You\'re unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the days work.And if that were not all,you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerly,
The Managment

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How to pass an immigration test

Mujibar was trying to get into Canada legally through Immigration. The
Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed most of the required tests, but there is one more compulsory test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Canada."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it
up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you, and works at a Telus
help desk.

ZIPOTE · TOP Guru

JOKER_ESCO wrote:

Chistes de Pepito • Le dice pepito a sus amigos yo tengo 5 tias pata, peta, pita, pota y una que no amanece en la casa.... • La sirvienta de la casa le grita a la mama del bebe y le dice "señora pepito se hizo caca" y la Mama de pepito le dijo "pues limpialo petra" La sirvienta le contesta "no señora es que se cayó por la ventana". • El profesor de matemáticas: "Estoy indignado. Más del 80% de la clase no pasó el examen !!!" (Pepito se rie y dice desde atras del salón) "Ja, ja , ja.... si ni siquiera somos tantos....!!! • Pepito le pregunta a jaimito, oyes a los niños gueritos que se mueren, les salen alitas y se van al cielo, se convierten en? y jaimito responde en angelitos. Correcto dice pepito, ahora los ninos negritos que se mueren, le salen alitas y se van al cielo, se convierten en? jaimito dice angelitos, no dice pepito se convierten en murcielaguitos! • Pepito se muere y se va al cielo con toda la comitiva. Al llegar a las puertas del Cielo se encuentra con San Pedro, hace abrir las puertas del Paraiso, y se instala en una pieza. Al poco rato llega una pila de Angeles que lo encuentran cagando, y mandan a pepito y su comitiva al infierno. Al llegar al Infierno, el Diablo lo estaba esperando con tremenda fiesta, super contento de tener a alguien tan distinguido como pepito, hasta le da las llaves del Infierno, y se quedan chupando y conversando hasta las 4 de la mañana. Pepito ya cansado de ponerle el gorro a la Lucia por tanto rato, se quiere ir a dormir, pero se da cuenta que se le quedaron las maletas en el Cielo. El Diablo le dice que no se preocupe, y manda a 2 Diablitos a buscarle las maletas. Los Diablitos llegan al Cielo, tocan la puerta y el timbre, pero nadie contesta, estan todos durmiendo. Como saben que si se van pa bajo sin las maletas, el Diablo se los va a hacer chupete, asi que deciden saltarse la reja del Paraiso. Justo cuando se estan saltando la reja, Jesus se despierta, mira hacia fuera por la ventana, y dice: "No son ni 4 horas que pepito llego al Infieno, y ya hay gente que quiere asilo politico" • Le pregunta el tio a Pepito, hijo y como te va con tu padrasto, muy bien tio fijate que todas las mañanas me monta en el bote y me lleva al centro del lago y alla me empuja, entonce yo me vengo nadando solito hasta la orilla, hijo y no te cuesta mucho llegar, no tio lo que mas me cuesta es desamarrarme y salirme del saco.

UTA LOCO NO SABIAS QUE VELORIO ANDA BUSCANDO PARTIMERS NO SERA QUE LE HACES TU RESUME .... SI O NO

TAN BUENOS TAN BUENOS

lindaisabella · Regular Plus

tetas

una señora tenia dos perro que por nombre les puso tetas , y una vez la señora decide ir a la iglesia con las perras y dudosa de entrar a las perras con ella le pregunta a un señor ¡disculpe puedo entrar con mis dos tetas! y el señor com ganas le responde si como no si yo entre com mis dos huevos...

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

Chistes de Pepito

• Le dice pepito a sus amigos yo tengo 5 tias pata, peta, pita, pota y una que no amanece en la casa....

• La sirvienta de la casa le grita a la mama del bebe y le dice "señora pepito se hizo caca" y la Mama de pepito le dijo "pues limpialo petra" La sirvienta le contesta "no señora es que se cayó por la ventana".

• El profesor de matemáticas: "Estoy indignado. Más del 80% de la clase no pasó el examen !!!" (Pepito se rie y dice desde atras del salón) "Ja, ja , ja.... si ni siquiera somos tantos....!!!

• Pepito le pregunta a jaimito, oyes a los niños gueritos que se mueren, les salen alitas y se van al cielo, se convierten en? y jaimito responde en angelitos. Correcto dice pepito, ahora los ninos negritos que se mueren, le salen alitas y se van al cielo, se convierten en? jaimito dice angelitos, no dice pepito se convierten en murcielaguitos!

• Pepito se muere y se va al cielo con toda la comitiva. Al llegar a las puertas del Cielo se encuentra con San Pedro, hace abrir las puertas del Paraiso, y se instala en una pieza. Al poco rato llega una pila de Angeles que lo encuentran cagando, y mandan a pepito y su comitiva al infierno. Al llegar al Infierno, el Diablo lo estaba esperando con tremenda fiesta, super contento de tener a alguien tan distinguido como pepito, hasta le da las llaves del Infierno, y se quedan chupando y conversando hasta las 4 de la mañana. Pepito ya cansado de ponerle el gorro a la Lucia por tanto rato, se quiere ir a dormir, pero se da cuenta que se le quedaron las maletas en el Cielo. El Diablo le dice que no se preocupe, y manda a 2 Diablitos a buscarle las maletas. Los Diablitos llegan al Cielo, tocan la puerta y el timbre, pero nadie contesta, estan todos durmiendo. Como saben que si se van pa bajo sin las maletas, el Diablo se los va a hacer chupete, asi que deciden saltarse la reja del Paraiso. Justo cuando se estan saltando la reja, Jesus se despierta, mira hacia fuera por la ventana, y dice: "No son ni 4 horas que pepito llego al Infieno, y ya hay gente que quiere asilo politico"

• Le pregunta el tio a Pepito, hijo y como te va con tu padrasto, muy bien tio fijate que todas las mañanas me monta en el bote y me lleva al centro del lago y alla me empuja, entonce yo me vengo nadando solito hasta la orilla, hijo y no te cuesta mucho llegar, no tio lo que mas me cuesta es desamarrarme y salirme del saco.

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

Vanilla Pudding Robbery - True Story must read

This is just too funny not to share.

Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times

about a bank robbery..........

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling

the security system got underway immediately.

The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with

cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes

throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found

only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said,

"At least we'll have a bit to eat."
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding.

The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.

Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing

more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

LA VUELTITA VERDE !!!

Juan llevaba de enamorado tres años con una chica muy linda llamada Alexandra, y hasta el momento no había intentado tener relaciones sexuales con ella. Un día empezó a acariciarla apasionadamente, le quitó toda la ropa, pero cuando intentó hacerle el amor, ella se excusó diciendo que solo haría eso después del matrimonio, pero que una vez casados podría hacer hasta "La Vueltita Verde" con ella.

Muy confundido con esto, Juan llamó a Johanna (una mujer con quien el tenía sus escapadas). Fue al departamento de ella y le pidió que hicieran "la vueltita verde". Johanna, asustada, comenzó a gritar diciendo que ella era una mujer respetable y que nunca se le pasaría por la cabeza hacer una cosa de esas y le ordenó salir inmediatamente de su casa diciéndole que se olvidara para siempre de ella.

Mas confundido todavía, Juan decidió ir a un prostíbulo. Escogió una mujer linda, se fue para un cuarto con ella y le preguntó si ella hacía de todo. Ella le respondió que hacía cualquier cosa por dinero. Entonces Juan le pidió que hiciera "La Vueltita Verde" con él. Ella, **** de profesión, respondió que a pesar de ser una prostituta y ramera, era una mujer que se respetaba mucho y lo empezó a agarrar a golpes.

Oyendo aquel alboroto el cabaretero abrió la puerta de una patada y preguntó ¿Qué carajo está pasando? Juan, más confundido que nunca, le dijo que solo le había pedido a la mujer hacer un poquito de " La Vueltita Verde" con él. Al oir esto, el cabaretero enfureció y lo saco a empujones del prostíbulo gritándole que no volviera a aparecer por ese lugar.

Aún confundido, Juan fue a buscar a Fulvio (un gay) para aclarar las dudas al respecto. Cuando lo encontró en su peluquería, se saludaron muy efusivamente, y Fulvio le dijo que estaba dispuesto a pasar una noche con él. Juan se lo llevó y le propuso también hacer "La Vueltita verde". Fulvio no soporto oir eso y comenzó a golpearlo con la secadora de cabello y le dijo que era un desgraciado que no quería volver
a verlo más en su vida y lo echo, ayudándose de otros peinadores que estaban con él.

Juan estaba ya ansioso, enloquecido... Fue, buscó a Alexandra (su enamorada) y le pidió que se casara inmediatamente con él. Quería hacer el amor con ella pero más que eso mataba por hacer "La Vueltita Verde".

Alexandra aceptó y muy eufórica enfatizó que lo haría muy feliz y que harían "La Vueltita Verde" todas las veces que quisieran. Se casaron... y fueron de luna de miel.

Juan, muy inquieto, quería interrumpir el viaje para hacer la tal "vueltita verde"... En esa ansiedad, desvió su atención del camino, y se estrelló contra un trailer, provocando un accidente. Alexandra... murió.

Él está hasta ahora tratando de averiguar que es "La Vueltita Verde"... y yo también.
Perdí mi tiempo leyendo esta **** de correo que me enviaron y al final, no te dicen que carajo es "La Vueltita Verde" así que no pienso quedarme con esta duda yo solo.

PASÁ ESTE CORREO Y JODÉ A OTRO TAMBIÉN

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

COMO SABER SI ALGUIEN PRESENTA SINTOMAS GAY..... ?
Veamos como se "auto-contestan" estos 16 puntos:

1. Llegar a los treinta años y no tener panza:.........
Seguro que sos gay. Nada más que decir. (conozco algún Sudamericano bastante delgado, que además tampoco le ayuda la voz)

2. Comer chupetines:
Mariconada; las únicas cosas que un hombre de verdad puede chupar son algunas partes femeninas, una Quilmes o un tequila!. (lo último, sin duda garantiza la hombría)

3. Tener un gato:
Trolíííííísimo, sólo un homosexual consumado tendría un gato.
Un gato es como un perro pero en versión maricón, se lava con su propia lengua, come pescado y nunca se emborracha. Es decir que el hombre que vive solo con un gato en su casa, vive en una profunda relación gay.
Sólo fíjense: a un perro se lo llama con dignidad masculina, "Perro de ****, venga para acá!!"; "Échese, perro puto"; Pero a un gato,... Bsss-bsss-bsss,
kiti-kiti-kiti, michi-michi-michi,....tan lindo mi gatito.....¡¡puto de ****...!!

4. No ir de caza o de pesca porque no hay baño:
Un verdadero hombre caga donde sea.

5. Llegar a casa temprano y lo primero que hacés es revisar el buzón:
¡Marica!, un hombre llega a casa después de ocho horas de trabajo, medio al palo y dispuesto a hacerle el amor a su mujer. Pero llegar y revisar el buzón!. Además, las llaves de los buzones están hechas para dedos femeninos.

6. Pedir café descafeinado, café con leche descremada o cosa similares:
Maricón de ****, café es café, debe ser fuerte...¡¡¡es masculino!!!
Las únicas cosas que se le pueden añadir al café son coñac y whisky, todo lo demás son cosa de nenas.

7. Saber el nombre de más de cuatro tortas:
Un hombre sólo conoce lo suficiente para desayunar en el bar.
Dónde se ha visto que un verdadero hombre entre en un bar y diga "disculpe, me podría poner dos porciones de lemon pie y una de brownies"...¡puuuuuuuto!, con 20 equipos en primera división y 25 jugadores en cada uno... a quién le queda sitio en la memoria para recordar los nombres de las tortas.

8. Alimentar al perro con comida para perros:
Maricón!!! la comida de perros la ha inventado las multinacionales para amariconar a los perritos. Un perro come lo que se cae al suelo o lo que desentierra. Después de comer esas ****s enlatadas se vuelven afeminados, ya no toman agua del chorro, se ponen pajeros, no tocan nada podrido y dejan de perseguir al gato.

9. Conducir con las dos manos en el volante.
Si los "cowboys" consiguen enlazar a los toros con una sola mano...¿por qué un hombre precisa de dos manos para agarrar el volante?, putito. Las dos manos al volante sólo en dos momentos: pasar a otro o tocar bocina, el resto la mano derecha debe estar libre para poder sintonizar la radio, hablar por teléfono, fumar, morfarse un sandwich, agarrar la cerveza, rascarte los huevos, hacer el cambio y sobre todo para meterle mano a la copiloto. (conozco a variosss, como 24)

10. Pasear los perros con cadenas:
Trolaso. Los perros han nacido para andar sueltos, pasear al perro es una actividad de riesgo. Nunca sabes hacia donde va, si va volver a casa, si le va morder la pierna a alguien, o si tirará al suelo a una vieja. Las cadenas son para maricas, no hay discusión.

11. Mirar la fecha de vencimiento de los alimentos en el Súper es de nenas: Un verdadero hombre no mira esas cosas porque es inmune a los alimentos vencidos. Qué mal le pueden hacer, unas salchichas viejas, o un pollo de Mazzorín arruinado.!!!.. (Mazzorín fue un Secretario de Comercio del gobierno de Alfonsín (1983-1989) que para bajar el precio del pollo argentino importó 300 toneladas de pollos de Hungría que eran mas flacos que un canario, que además estaban en mal estado y que terminaron pudriéndose las cámaras frigoríficas y fueron a parar a un basural).-

12. Tocar las verduras para ver su estado antes de comprarlas:
No hay duda, es de gay. Un verdadero hombre no le importa el estado de las verduras, al contrario, pueden ayudar a producir gases, con los cuales se divierte luego frente a sus amigos, para ver quien los lanza más sonoros y fétidos.> (jejejj, 800 esta la superas, seguro que no tocas las verduras)

13. "Le encanta bailar: ?????
!!Maricón!! los hombres solo bailan por necesidad para atracarse una mina, pero de ahí a que les encante.

14. Conocer los nombres de actores y actrices de moda y en que películas o novelas actuaron: Es de trolo trolo, un hombre de verdad solo se acuerda que a ese tipo lo vió en otra película cortando cabezas con una espada en cada mano. (Bueno Gasilio, esta ya sabrás que es para ti, jejje, se sabe el nombre de todos los extras de The lord of the ring)

15. Se fija que bien o que mal se viste una mina y puede recordar de que color era su vestido
!!Troooooolooooo!!! un hombre solo recuerda que buen culo o tetas tenía.

16. Recibe y reenvía mail que hablan de la amistad, el amor, la ternura y otras porquerías que para colmo estan ilustrados con fotos de niños, flores, angelitos o perros trolos, y al final te amenazan que si no lo haces te va a pasar algo terrible: Puuuto enfermo!!

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

10 REASONS WHY LATINOS CAN'T BE TERRORISTS

10. 8:45am is too early for us to be up.
9. We are always late, we would have missed all 4 flights.
8. Pretty people on the plane distract us.
7. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.
6. Food and drinks were on the plane.
5. We talk with our hands, we would have put our weapons down.
4. We would all want to fly the plane.
3. We would argue and start a fight in the plane.
2. We would have told everyone a week before doing it.
1. We would have put our countries flag on the windshield.

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

Italian Tomato Garden Joke

Good one!!

>

> An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted

> to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as

> the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to

> help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his

> son and described his predicament.

> Dear Vincent,

> I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be

> able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just

> getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

> If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you

> would dig the plot for me.

> Love Dad

>

> A few days later he received a letter from his son.

>

> Dear Dad,

>

> Not for nothing pops, but don't dig up that garden. That's

> where I buried the BODIES.

> >

> Love Vinnie

>

> At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police

> arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any

> bodies.

> They apologized to the old man and left.

>

> That same day the old man received another letter from his

> son.

>

> Dear Dad,

>

> Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I

> could do under the circumstances.

>

> Love Vinnie

>

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brule, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite
her, who was about 20 years old, smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out
laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for
himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on
the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming"
and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce
the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big
Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that
said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...
I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"

Phantasma · TOP Guru

what better way to kill time at work than by throwing staplers are ur boss, mmm since u probably get fired for doing that here's a little flash game instead... hope u guys have speakers cause the sound its hillarious

Download

Daeveed · Foro Master

This is pretty funny, I've actually tried some of them.

100 ways to order a pizza the fun way...

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition, ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT SYSTEM.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If asked "Would you like drinks with that?", panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

SPANISH FOR GRINGOS:

There's always something to learn or to try, many times you need to say some phrases in Spanish, but you don't know how to say it, don't worry, your problems have finished, if your are a gringo and you don't speak spanish, the new "Diccionario para el gringo guey" (Smart Gringo Dictionary) will be helpful in your learning. For instance, we took from it some common phrases, just try and see the difference and how easy it is to speak spanish.

Boy as n r = Voy a cenar = I'm going to have a dinner

N L C John = en el sill�� on the armchair.

Be a hope and son = viejo panz�� fat old man.

Who and see to seek ago = Juancito se cag��Little John chickened out.

S toy tree stone = estoy trist�� I'm kind of sad.

Lost trap eat toss = los trapitos = the little rags.

Desk can saw = descansa = (you) rest.

As say toon as = aceitunas = olives.

The head the star mall less tan dough = deje de estar molestando = stop bugging me.

See eye = si hay = yes we have.

T n s free o ? = tienes fr�? = are you cold?

Tell o boy ah in cruise tar ! = Te lo voy a incrustar! = I'm gonna take you for a ride !!

Be a has r when there us = viejas arguenderas = arguing ****es

Come at a lost ugh wack cat tess = comete los aguacates = eat the avocados

Kit at tell loss war at chess = quitate los guaraches = take off your sandals

Ball add the pay jazz sad us = bola de payasadas = Silly stuff.

S taz pen the ho = estas pendejo = you are an ****.

T N S L P P B N T S O = Tienes el pipi bien tieso = you have an erection.

Pooh row ped o = puro pedo = its all bull ****

Rascal p tow = rasca el pito = scratch the dick

Mass car eat a saw grad ah = mascarita sagrada = name for famous wrestler in Mexico.

S toy as tall a mad re = Estoy hasta la madre = I'm fed up (to the mother!)

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
>>>>> >toys.
>>>>> >             The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.
>>>>>A new
>>>>> >employee was hired
>>>>> >             at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for
>>>>>her
>>>>> > first
>>>>> >day promptly at
>>>>> >             08:00.
>>>>> >
>>>>> >             The next day at 08:45 there is a knock at the
>>>>>Personnel
>>>>> >Manager's door.
>>>>> >
>>>>> >             The Foreman from the assembly line throws open
>>>>>the door
>>>>> > and
>>>>> >begins to rant
>>>>> >             about the new employee. He complains that she is
>>>>> > incredibly
>>>>> >slow and the
>>>>> >             whole line is backing up, putting the entire
>>>>>production
>>>>> > line
>>>>> >behind
>>>>> >             schedule.
>>>>> >
>>>>> >             The Personnel Manager decides he should see this
>>>>>for
>>>>> > himself
>>>>> >so the 2 men
>>>>> >             march down to the factory floor. When they get
>>>>>there the
>>>>line
>>>>> >is so backed
>>>>> >             up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the
>>>>>factory
>>>>floor
>>>>> >and they're
>>>>> >             really beginning to up pileup.
>>>>> >
>>>>> >             At the end of the line stands the new employee
>>>>>surrounded
>>>>> > by
>>>>> >mountains of
>>>>> >             Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red
>>>>>fabric and
>>>>> > a
>>>>>huge
>>>>> >bag of small
>>>>> >             marbles.
>>>>> >
>>>>> >             The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little
>>>>>piece
>>>>> >             of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins
>>>>>to
>>>>carefully
>>>>> >sew the
>>>>> >             little package between Elmo's legs.
>>>>> >
>>>>> >             The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After
>>>>>several
>>>>> >minutes of
>>>>> >             hysterics he pulls himself together and
>>>>>approaches the
>>>>woman.
>>>>> >"I'm sorry,"
>>>>> >             he says to her, barely able to keep a straight
>>>>>face, "but
>>>>> > I
>>>>> >think you
>>>>> >             misunderstood the instructions I gave you
>>>>>yesterday......
>>>>> >
>>>>> >             .......Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

ADELGACE CON PLACER!

Un tipo pasado de peso había probado todos los métodos
habidos y por haber para adelgazar, desde las famosas
fajas reductivas hasta los jabones quemagrasa, hasta que
un día leyó el siguiente anuncio en el periódico:

¡ADELGACE CON PLACER!
Paquetes:
1.- 10 kilos en cinco días.
2.- 20 kilos en tres días. (No amateurs)
3.- ¡30 kilos en un día! (Sólo profesionales)

El tipo decidió comunicarse al teléfono de la empresa para
probar la última moda para adelgazar, y pidió el primer
paquete.

Al día siguiente tocaron a su puerta en la mañana y al
abrir encontró a una chica con un cuerpazo, en bikini, con
zapatitos deportivos y un letrero que decía "si me
alcanzas, SOY TUYA."

El tipo se puso a corretarla como desesperado por toda la
colonia hasta que la alcanzó e hicieron lo que tenían que
hacer. Y así durante cinco días.

Al pasar los cinco días, el hombre se pesó en la báscula y
sí, definitivamente había bajado 10 kilos. Entonces habló
a la compañía y dijo:

"Señorita, deseo que me envíe el paquete número dos.
¡Quiero bajar 20 kilos en tres días!"

"¿Está seguro señor? No es apto para amateurs ni
cardiacos."

"Sí, señorita. Estoy seguro."

Al día siguiente, en la madrugada, tocaron a su puerta y
al abrir se encontró a una mujer escultural totalmente
desnuda, excepto por sus zapatitos deportivos y un letrero
que decía: "Si me alcanzas, SOY TUYA."

El tipo la correteó por toda la ciudad hasta que la
alcanzó e hicieron el amor como locos. Y a los tres
días... ¡30 kilos menos!

Entonces, el tipo decidió pedir el paquete para
profesionales... ¡30 kilos de un jalón! Al día siguiente
tocaron a su puerta y el tipo, vestido muy sexy y listo
para la acción, abrió la puerta y... se encoontró a UN
NEGRO con un cuerpazo tipo Arnold Muchasletras con
zapatitos deportivos y un letrero que decía: "¡Si te
alcanzo, ERES MIO

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very
sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after
arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis
covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes
to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,
orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad
news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
unheard of here. We know very little about it".
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, doc".
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have
to am****te your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion". The
doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery
is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know
more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims:
"Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we
can do? My American doctor wants to operate and am****te my penis?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta,
always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks and it fall
off by itself!"

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: el lápiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la com****dora''), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el com****dor''), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

What do you think.

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

Kirk was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man, who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
Kirk took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Kirk asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food? Kirk asked.
"Are you NUTS?!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years.
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" Kirk asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said Kirk, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Kim."
The homeless man was astounded, "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
Kirk replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex."

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town
and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll
be right back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a
beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer,
brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc..

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that
he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... you
know... they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She
took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting
chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll,
but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really
delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven
and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings,
pigs in the blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know .there's
swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?... "LISTEN UP DICKHEAD!
SIT DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN
MUG AND EAT YOUR FRICKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T
GOING TO A FRICKING BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER...GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

...and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet
story? Ji,Ji.

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who
was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his
rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my
stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the
fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if
that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman.
How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed
I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it
up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was
probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the
next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking
with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy
she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger
doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said,"Your diagnosis is almost certainly
correct, but how did you arrive at it?
"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and
when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

Farmer John has three sons. One day his oldest comes to him and pleads with him, that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, Son, come with me!
He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy, but he understood and said, Ok, Dad.
A week later his second son, (10 yr. old), approaches him wanting a new two wheel bike. Well, he gets the same excuse, as soon as the tractor is paid for.
Shortly after that his youngest is bugging him for a tricycle.
Again, 'ol dad gives him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees the rooster mating with one of the hens, and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back.
His dad says, Son, why would you do something like that?
He didn't do anything to you to deserve that.
The little boy says, Nobody rides anything around here until that F**KING TRACTOR IS PAID OFF!!!”

JOKER_ESCO · Foro Master

OK I MADE THIS THREAD SO I WON'T BE PUTING MY CRAZY JOKES ALL OVER OK.....

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early"

"I can't jump out the window ~ it's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope.........just when it's raining."

-- Edited by JOKER_ESCO at 15:35, 2005-06-17