~THE GREATEST CHUCK NORRIS FACTS OF ALL TIME~

1*What kind of house does Chuck Norris live in? A round house

2*Chuck Norris' Penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable 32nd-degree mason.

3*Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

4*Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall so he taught it karate.

5*Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

6*Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

7*Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

8*Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

9*Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

10*Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

11*Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

12*There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

13*According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God

14*When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."

15*The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"

16*Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

17*Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

18*Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

19*Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

20*Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.

21*When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

22*Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.

23*In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

24*Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.

25*Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

26*When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

27*When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

28*There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

29*When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

30*Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.

31*Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

32*When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

33*Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.

34*Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.

35*Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

36*Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares

37*Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.

38*Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.

39*Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

40*Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

41*Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

42*Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

43*Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

44*There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

45*A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

46*Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

47*Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

48*There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

49*When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isnt lifting himself up, hes pushing the Earth down.

50*Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

51*Chuck Norris hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

52*Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

53*When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris'd.

54*Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

55*Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

56*Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

57*Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

58*MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.

59*Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.

60*Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

61*Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

62*Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

63*Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

64*The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

65*Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down

66*Chuck Norris doesn't shave his balls because hair doesn't grow on steel.

67*A unicorn once kicked Chuck Norris. This is why they no longer exist.

68*Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad

69*Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

70*Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

71*Chuck Norris does not wear sun block. The Sun wears Chuck Block.

72*Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian

73*Jesus can walk on water....but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus

74*Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

75*It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

76*When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends in blank forms and only includes a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never paid taxes.

77*Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang"

78*Chuck Norris ****s his own pants, just so he can take off his ****-filled underwear, and kick the **** out of his own ****.

79*Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

80*Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

81*For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

82*Chuck Norris favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

83*According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

84*Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

85*In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

86*Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

87*On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun

88*Chuck Norris never loses at Rock, Paper, Scissors because he never plays Rock, Paper, Scissors. He plays Rock, Paper, Scissors, Roundhouse Kick. Chuck Norris never loses at Rock, Paper, Scissors, Roundhouse kick.



89*Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous

90*It's often said that The Bible is the word of the Lord. In actuality, The Bible is the word of the Lord reciting the words of Chuck Norris.

91*Chuck Norris once ate a monkey and pooped out a human.